How A Tech Would Answer: Daddy, How Was I Born??

Daddy, how was I born? 

'Well, son, Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 
'You got Male!

The Queen Of Random Renames Her Bathroom

I decided I'm hanging a sign on the bathroom door:  Her Royal Throne Room.   It occured to me one day when I was sick and dizzy and I fell off my throne and got crowned by the bathtub.  I knew I was truly a Queen when a circlet of bright red gleaming rubies started appearing around my head.  Besides, I know that this is the only room I can truly rule in.

I got to thinking too that it's fitting because my robe is in there along with my magic mirror and the scales of justice.  You really do have to listen carefully to what the magic mirror says.  One time I went out after the mirror told me I was beautiful, and then I found out I missed the mark and had a huge streak of mascara on my cheek.  I just know that magic mirror was laughing behind my back!

I have often felt that the scales of justice have been misnamed.  Is it just and fair that it should point out that I shouldn't have had that extra piece of pie and ice cream? Is it fair that despite the magic mirror showing me showing a thinner waist that I actually weigh more than I look.  Do NOT trust the scales of justice, I've found it can lie just as badly as the magic mirror!

What's nice about the throne room is that I can be myself, and quite cheeky if I want to be.  I also rule over all the porcelain Gods that live within those walls.  A few times I've actually bent over praying to the one porcelain God, but mostly I am busy giving it a clean environment so it can maintain it's gleaming personality.  I'm fairly certain this must be where the phrase 'cleanliness is next to Godliness' came from.  It doesn't realize though that real prayers can only go to the real God.

The throne room is the only place I can actually kick all my royal subjects out of.  And I have many royal subjects who insist on following me wherever I go...er, that would be the 2 dogs and the cat, but I digress.  I can truly relax there.  No milk and honey baths, but I do let Calgon take me away because it does tend to bring out my bubbling personality.  It's also a good room to be in when I first wake up because I know I can go there, talk to the mirror, and it will take away dragon breath by giving it the brush-off.

The other day I got to use the royal scepter.  I knew I'd have to drag it out from it's place by the throne because the Prince of Hearts is only 8 and he forgot that he had a royal flush at hand.

   Most people don't notice, but I do keep a few royal jewels in there too.  One is a great book I got for Christmas appropriately called The Bathroom Reader, chock full of facts and trivia that every Queen should know.  Most of the others are in a crystal bowl.  I believe when it was presented to me a Jester referred to them as some kind of air freshener crystals, but I'm not positive on that.  They're very pretty, a sparkly jade color.  Up until then I didn't have a clue that jewels could have a pleasing aroma too.

  All in all, I'd say it deserves the name of Throne Room.  It has everything a Queen could ask for, and loyal subjects can always feel free to visit...preferably when I'm NOT there.

The Difference Between Prison and Work

Sometimes when you're at work, it feels like you're serving a life sentence.  This humorous comparison was written anonymously, and one of my friends passed it on to me back in 2005.  When I ran across it today, I knew I had to share this chuckle...

The difference between prison and work:

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called bosses.

Stuttering Kitty...lol

I read this today and thought it was so funny that I had to share it.  It just proves that kids say the darndest things:-)

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." 

A little girl raises her hand saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.



"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" 


The teacher exclaimed, "That must have been scary!" 

The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room...

The perfect computer add-on...

Ah, the 'coffee tower'...this is just what I need to upgrade my computer!  Really, they should of thought of this years ago.  Imagine all of the steps that could be saved.  No more trips to the kitchen if you're working from home, and no more trips to the coffee room.  Sure would solve those manic Monday mornings.  Now if they would come up with a printer mini-fridge to store the cream, it would be totally awesome...

Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most!

Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself, if only because I know there are others are probably doing the same thing; the only difference is that I definitely don't snicker and turn my head.  We have 2 house dogs here, Kelly, a German Shepherd (around 10 yrs old and 60 pounds) and Lola, a little Shitzipoo (about 2 years old and 15 pounds.)  Let's just say Lola lives up to her breed, ie: she needs to shitzipoo every time I turn around.  So I find she needs to be let out into the run far more often than Kelly.  As long as she doesn't shitzipoo on my carpet or floors, then I'm OK with that.

Last night my daughter Alli's hubby let little Lola out into the outdoor run.  When it's dark out the motion detector light pops on when any of the dogs are out there...and unfortunately, it pops on for the coyotes, squirrels, and raccoons too.  I saw him going towards the breezeway door heading for the garage, but I didn't see Lola following, or him let her out.  So,  I guess I didn't really pay attention, I just kept typing away at the old computer.

I shut down the living room tv, computer and all, and in the quiet I could hear this quiet scratching noise. Knowing I had left a window cracked open in the hallway, I stopped like a deer stuck in the headlights thinking: 'NO, don't let that be a raccoon, or something, trying to get in!' (I still get nervous when I remember that coyote sniffing at my open window a couple summers ago...and then killing my barn cat 2 minutes later!!) Then the noise quit for a minute and started up again.  As I got closer to the breezeway I realized the noise was coming from outside, and found Lola paddling 90 mph on the door with her forefeet.  I didn't know that a dog could run like that and actually go nowhere. I have no idea how long she was out there, but she stuck to me like Elmer's glue for the rest of the night.

One thing about getting old, sometimes you forget the important stuff while remembering something totally stupid.  There is no Betty Rubble in the jar of Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.   Case in point!  I  can remember that, and yes, I know it's stupid, but there it hangs in some trapped 'trivia spot' in my grey matter.